Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
