Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
