my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize