Your dad touched me again.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
