I like to think it a success when the cops are called
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
