1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize