Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
