This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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