hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
