I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
