In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
