I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
