Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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