Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
my poor anus
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
