I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
