Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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