I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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