My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
