Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
