You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize