I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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