I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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