the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
