I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
