Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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