I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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