Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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