it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
