I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
