I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
