My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
