Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Randomize
