Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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