I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
