I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
