I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
