A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
