apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
