I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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