i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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