I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
