Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
