Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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