we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize