He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
