fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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