I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
cat food counts as protein by the way
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
