i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize