I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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