yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like eating out sand paper
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
