I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
