I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
