My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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