Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
