closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
