I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Me. At least after what I've been through.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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