It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
