I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
