hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
