he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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