guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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