thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
