The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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